Being Human

Unlike me, my husband has always been a writer; whether it was fanciful role playing, high school projects, or short stories, Gary has always woven words into compelling charters and beautiful prose.

He’s also always wanted to publish a novel.

Imagine then, how he felt when his wife just decided one day she also wanted to write. The first book she ever wrote was published. And the next. And the next. Along with many short stories. Sure, she had setbacks. Disappointments. But while he toiled away on his first book, his wife seemingly zoomed ahead. Publishing more and more. Collecting quarterly checks. Continuing to write books.

Saying that, Gary has never been anything but supportive and happy for me. He’s rejoiced when I’ve published. Taken me out to dinner. Listen to me blather on. But there was a note of sadness there too. Not jealousy or envy; those words denote wanting to take something someone has. He was never that. What I perceived was wistfulness. I understood. But understanding is not quite like experiencing it yourself.

Remember in a post or so ago I said how much I wanted an upfront payment for a book? How that would allow me to feel as if I had really made it? Gary received that this week. It’s not the money. I’m fine with royalties. It’s what it represents. And the universe took that longing and spoke through someone (who shall remain nameless) saying: “wow, Gary did with his first book what you’ve never done.” Ouch.

So now I understand. I’m so happy for him I could burst. But I’m also…wistful.

Writers can live on the edge of joy and sadness depending on many factors; a sale, representation, rejection, kind words, cruel statements. It sometimes feels as if my soul is at the whim of the wind, blowing his way and that, happiness dependent on someone who has all the power.

But that is false. And psychically dangerous. When you place your soul in someone else’s hands it is inevitable at some point a knife will enter. An important lesson for everyone, but perhaps more so for writers. Being published hangs on so many things. Skill of course, but also relevance and dare I say, luck. If you want to be a published author and keep your sanity, you must continue to believe in yourself no matter how many setbacks you have or how long you have to wait.

And let's talk about something else. Writers usually know other writers. Sometimes we even marry one. :-) Being published feels wonderful. But it is fleeting. Because even if you are Stephen King, you are only as good as your last book as far as society goes. Friends, family, and your mate will love you no matter how many books you have published. Or not published. This is especially important if a writer shares his or her life with another writer.

You will never have identical success. There will always be wistfulness when the other achieves a milestone you want. You might even have an evening of self doubt like I did when Gary told me his good news.

But he understood, perhaps in a way only another writer can understand. I gave myself a day of wallowing. Then I packed up my latest novel and sent it off.

When he gets home we will celebrate like there’s no tomorrow. Because it’s the right thing to do. Because he’d do it for me. Because I’m proud of him.

But mostly because I love him.